Life can shift. It can change without asking for your consent. Although I learned that when I was young, and perhaps because of it, I've always lived like I was in control. In some ways this has been extremely advantageous - I've learned how to schedule, plan, set goals, and reach goals. Which is great. But it has also left me inflexible and with unrealistically high expectations for myself. I'm sure some of you can relate.
I'm willing to work long days + nights and sacrifice my health, as long as I hit that goal. Honestly, I hadn't even realized that this was the way I was functioning until recently. I mean, I scheduled my life pretty intensely, but that's always allowed me to take full advantage of the time given to me.
However, as I moved closer to the halfway mark in my pregnancy, I realized that my fool-proof system wasn't working all that well. I still scheduled my time (by the half-hour) but I just wasn't capable of following it. I'd wake up past the time that I'd scheduled myself to wake up. Already I'd failed. I'd skip some of my morning stuff, which happens to be the most important (bible study, yoga, etc.), so I could catch up. Then when I felt like I'd caught up, I'd puke, or get so hungry I'd have to stop everything and cook myself something. Then I'd be behind again... failing again.
After talking to Rion about all of this, I realized that I'm trying to control things that are just not within my control. Pregnancy has been a shock to my system, control-wise, and I'm sure once our baby girl gets here it won't be any easier.
So instead of fighting against this loss of control, I decided I'm going to soften into it. It's obvious that God and my body are trying to teach me something here. Let go. Lose control a little bit. Allow it to teach you a new perspective. Just because it's different doesn't make it wrong.
I'm learning to give myself a little grace through this. I'm trying to be open to the lessons that are so clearly a part of this process. And inch by inch, I'm finding this whole thing more and more beautiful.
I guess sometimes losing control is a good thing.
Has there been anything in your life that's challenged the way you think, or encouraged you to slow down? I'd love to hear about it!
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